Tag Archives: hope in Him alone

Dealing with a Chronic Illness–“Even If”

This year marks twenty-five years since I started dating my husband, and for every one of those twenty-five years, I have dealt with his chronic illness. At first, it was the medications he had to take and would it even be possible for us to have children because of the effects of those medications Then, it was the hospital tests to determine what was currently wrong and how to fix it. Then, it was the major surgery where things had to be removed almost twenty years ago. That was a hard one. It was serious, and I almost lost him. He was bleeding internally, and things were more serious than the doctor had thought they were. But, he pulled through, and I am so grateful. We have our younger son because he pulled through which makes me even more grateful.

There have been hospital stays and surgeries since; time missed from work and pain that was unexplainable. Frustration that things were not normal. Hurt that people didn’t understand. Feeling trapped behind a door that tries to pretend there is nothing wrong while at church. Especially while at church. It’s easy to support someone who has cancer. It’s easy to support someone who has heart disease. Those are the diseases that are “fashionable” to talk about. It is not “fashionable” to talk about what my husband has. It is not easy to see the need when someone has an “invisible illness”.

Then, there are the caregivers which is what I am. And this is the tricky part with someone who has an “invisible illness”. There are days when everything is normal, when my husband can work, and when we can do things as a family. There are days when he can coach a baseball team and work on the media team at church. These are the days I need to pull back and just be a wife or mom. This is tough for me because I find myself waiting for the ball to drop, for the next thing to happen which puts us back in the place where my husband is bedridden because of this illness. I have said this before. Being a caregiver is not for the faint of heart.

It has been unbelievably hard for the last few years–the hospital stays, the periods of unemployment and financial instability, and the periods of just not feeling well. I’m tired, and sometimes I feel like I don’t carry it too well. Not feeling like I can talk about it; feeling like all I see at church is brave people; not feeling normal; feeling like we are on the cusp of stability, and it’s taken away from us; and always feeling like the ball is about to drop even when things are going well. They are all feelings I’ve had during this time.

I’ve prayed about this too. I don’t want anyone to think I haven’t. I’ve prayed for healing, for normalcy, for pain and stress free days, for strength for all of us. I’ve asked God to stay close even when I feel alone because sometimes I do feel like I’m alone. I feel like I’m the only one with this kind of pain and have no one to share it with.

But, I do have someone to share it with, and this goes back to the title of this post. Dealing with a Chronic Illness–“Even If”. My son told me about this song by Mercy Me a while back, and I finally had the chance to listen to it. It was so authentic to how I was feeling that I cried when I heard it. Here are the lyrics:

“They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I’m losing bad
I’ve stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it’ll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can’t

It’s easy to sing
When there’s nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I’m held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able
I know You can

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul”

God seemed to be asking me, ‘Do you still believe even if your husband is never healed, even if things are never normal?’ I had to say yes. It was the only thing I could say. My hope is in Jesus alone even if nothing is fixed here. Jesus is my Lord and Savior no matter what, and I know He is always available to listen to me.

Now, that doesn’t mean I’m going to pretend to be brave or never ask for prayers. God didn’t make us that way. He made us with emotions, and He gave us prayer as a way to communicate with Him. I’m planning to use both of these until the day I die, and I’m with Him in person.

Please feel free to post your prayer requests on this post, and I will pray for them like I hope you will pray for me and my family.

God’s blessings on all of you today!

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