Quivering in the Corner

My writing time has been full and honest this week as I’ve searched and struggled. I know, for a fact, I don’t have it all together like some people I see at my church. Our pastor likes to say we are all dirt bags which I resonate with. I’m not trying to say these other people are perfect or think they are perfect, but they seem to have all their ducks in a row regarding faith where I see my faith and realize I’m just forming the first row. In the two previous posts I’ve made this week, this was a troubling thing for me. I didn’t feel like it was right that I had to search and struggle and that I had doubt, that God didn’t like it because I had doubt.

I’ve changed my mind about this though, mainly, for two reasons. One, because some psalms were read to me that said some of the same things I had been thinking. I read through all the psalms last year, and I’m starting to think I should do a read-through of that particular book of Scripture every year. There was one psalm in particular that didn’t even include a praise to God at the end, and He still included it in Scripture.  It is Psalm 38, one of David’s psalms. I am going to quote it here because it reflects what I’ve been thinking so well.

Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
    or discipline me in your wrath.
Your arrows have pierced me,
    and your hand has come down on me.
Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
    there is no soundness in my bones because of my sin.
My guilt has overwhelmed me
    like a burden too heavy to bear.

My wounds fester and are loathsome
    because of my sinful folly.
I am bowed down and brought very low;
    all day long I go about mourning.
My back is filled with searing pain;
    there is no health in my body.
I am feeble and utterly crushed;
    I groan in anguish of heart.

All my longings lie open before you, Lord;
    my sighing is not hidden from you.
10 My heart pounds, my strength fails me;
    even the light has gone from my eyes.
11 My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds;
    my neighbors stay far away.
12 Those who want to kill me set their traps,
    those who would harm me talk of my ruin;
    all day long they scheme and lie.

13 I am like the deaf, who cannot hear,
    like the mute, who cannot speak;
14 I have become like one who does not hear,
    whose mouth can offer no reply.
15 Lord, I wait for you;
    you will answer, Lord my God.
16 For I said, “Do not let them gloat
    or exalt themselves over me when my feet slip.”

17 For I am about to fall,
    and my pain is ever with me.
18 I confess my iniquity;
    I am troubled by my sin.
19 Many have become my enemies without cause[b];
    those who hate me without reason are numerous.
20 Those who repay my good with evil
    lodge accusations against me,
    though I seek only to do what is good.

21 Lord, do not forsake me;
    do not be far from me, my God.
22 Come quickly to help me,
    my Lord and my Savior.

Amazing! David thought the same things I have been thinking. So, if someone who was close to God’s heart thought the same things I’ve been thinking, it’s okay for me to think them.

The other reason I’ve changed my mind is because of a phrase I  was introduced to. This phrase is actually the title of this post–Quivering in the Corner.  It’s a beautiful picture of what my heart has been like. I have quivered because my wounds have been so great. I have quivered, not feeling like I could share my thoughts, even in prayer to God much less to anyone else. I have quivered because I felt like I needed to pretend. I have learned that God doesn’t want me to pretend though and that Jesus will sit with me while I quiver. I hope by being honest with my fears, with my wounds, and with my doubts, I will be able to help someone else know that it’s okay to quiver in the corner.

And now, for the phrase I’ve used since I started this blog, but one I have felt like I couldn’t use this week.

God’s blessings on all of you today!

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