Feeling Like a Fraud

This post is paired with the post I made on Sunday about the struggle I am having right now. If you are interested, go here to read. https://alisarussell.wordpress.com/2015/08/16/struggling-with-my-salvation/

So, where am I three days later? I am still struggling, still searching. I have wounds that are gaping wide open and bleeding, and I don’t know what to do about them.  No matter how much I try, they just won’t heal. I’ve tried to pray, to ask God for healing, and they still hurt. Nothing changes. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe nothing is supposed to change. But, then, where does that leave me?

There’s another thing. Before, when I’ve hurt for whatever reason, I’ve been able to hang onto to the cross that I’ve had around my neck. In the last three years, I have made a point of wearing that cross because it represented what had changed in my life — having God back in my home. Now, though, I’m not sure where God is, or even if He exists, so I feel like a fraud if I wear my cross. I feel like I’m proclaiming something I’m not sure I believe if I wear it.  So, since I feel like that and don’t wear my cross, another form of comfort is taken away from me.

I’ve been told I wrestle honestly with things. At least, I try to wrestle honestly. Growing up, I had more experience with putting up shields than wrestling honestly with what was happening in my life. I’ve come to a point though where I can’t do anything, but be honest. I want my faith to get back to where it was–something I am strong and sure about, but I’m not sure if it will. That is the most honest I know how to be.

I’m going to end with quoting a song by Tenth Avenue North. It’s called Hold My Heart, and it reflects how I’m feeling right now. A friend of mine posted it a few years ago, and I am grateful she put me on the track of something so beautiful and authentic. Here it is.

“How long must I pray
Must I pray to You
How long must I wait
Must I wait for You
How long till I see Your face
See You shining through

I’m on my knees
Begging You to notice me
I’m on my knees
Father, will You turn to me

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One light, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart

I’ve been so afraid, afraid to close my eyes
So much can slip away before I say goodbye
But if there’s no other way
I’m done asking why

‘Cause I’m on my knees
Begging You turn to me
I’m on my knees
Father, will You run to me, yeah

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One light, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart

So many questions without answers
Your promises remain
I can’t see but I’ll take my chances
To hear you call my name
To hear you call my name

One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One light, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Won’t You come close and hold my heart
Hold my heart
Could You hold my heart
Hold my heart”

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Feeling Like a Fraud”

  1. You’re not alone. I think God is closest to those that struggle. Look at Job, Joseph, David, etc. Your post has an almost psalmic quality. C.S. Lewis wisely said that “we must not come to God with what we wish was in us, but with what is in us.” God will honor your honesty.

    Keep the faith.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s