The title of this post is something I never thought I would write, but it is something I am struggling with today. My salvation. I am in a dark place, one of the darkest places I have ever known. It has been one thing after another for the last six months, and I am at a point now where I am saying, “Enough!” I can’t seem to get a break, a break where things are normal, and my emotions are not sailing up and down. Part of me wants to say I wish I was with Jesus, but then the other part says I won’t be with Jesus because I can’t even do the things that are spelled out in Scripture. It’s an ugly place to be in. I read verse after verse which says to do whatever thing it says to do, and I realize I haven’t done it. I’m not capable of doing it. Those things which I felt more than capable of doing just a few weeks ago, I don’t feel capable of doing anymore. I just feel lost.
When I read verses like 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 which say, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
Or a verse like Philippians 4: 6. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” I think of how I haven’t been able to do that, or how I’ve done that, and nothing has happened. That is what tears me apart.
There’s another passage in Matthew that brings me closer, I think, to the reason for some of the thoughts I’ve been having. It’s Matthew 6:25-27. “Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?”
The words about being more valuable to God than the birds stare out at me, and I realize I don’t consider myself valuable. A lot of that has to do with my background which I won’t get into, but, for the purposes of this post, all that needs to be said is because I don’t consider myself to be valuable, how could I possibly think God considers me valuable. That’s not a good place to be in either. And, then, if God doesn’t consider me valuable, why should he consider any of my prayer requests? It’s a question I can’t answer, but now I’ve put my feelings into words, and they’re not just in my heart anymore. Maybe putting them into words is what I needed to do so God could help me as I search and as I struggle. Maybe this is something that will help someone else too.