It’s been over a month since I’ve written in this blog. Not making any excuses. Just stating a fact. My last post spoke of jumping into the unknown, and my life has turned into the unknown. I am living life day by day, not really being able to plan for the future because of some situations going on with my family.
I had a time deciding what to entitle this post, and I still might change it before I am done. These last six weeks have been a time of pain and heartache, of asking questions, of not understanding, and then when I’ve gotten to a point that I might be able to understand, it’s been ripped out from underneath me. We’re at a place where we need to totally trust in God’s provision because there is nothing else in this world for us to hang onto. I’ve been writing about my thoughts and fears this whole time in my journal, but I couldn’t see where they belonged in a blog about thriving in grace so I didn’t publish them.
I realize now that I made a mistake. Pain is a part of thriving. People don’t like to show pain for many different reasons. I’m thinking paramount among them would be, “If I show my pain, does it mean that I don’t feel God’s love? ” Or “Why would God cause such pain and anguish to someone who loves Him so much?” I don’t know the answers to those questions. I’m doing some reading to try to figure them out, but I don’t know if that will help either. I keep hearing a voice which tells me that my pain will help someone else. I hope so. I truly hope so. Because that is what is keeping me going right now.
In the midst of all this uncertainty and dependence on God’s provision, an anniversary has come around today. Today is the third anniversary of losing my third child. Talk about ripping a band-aid off of scars I thought had healed. The pain of this loss, along with everything else, has ripped my heart apart. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why my husband and I lost our baby, and other babies lived. I don’t understand why we are having to go through this other pain. I know I have God though even when I feel completely alone and isolated from people in the world. You see, I understand that people feel awkward around my pain especially if it’s a pain they’re not familiar with or a pain they try to blame others for so they can think they’ll never experience it. If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been specific about the pain my family is going through only that we’re having to totally trust God for His provision. It might be understandable through the phrase ‘trusting God for His provision’, but I won’t go any further than that because people will make judgments to make themselves feel better.
Judging others. As human beings, we all do it, even those of us who have Christ. Even though Christ tells us not to. Why? Probably because we still live in a fallen world. I’m tired though. Tired of not thinking I can show my pain so people will think I’m strong, because, you see, I’m not strong. Not all of the time. And when I’m not strong, my Lord and Savior holds me up. So, today, I will mourn the child I lost three years ago and think of what might have been. I will give myself permission to hurt and not understand the other pain I’m going through. Because, even though people might not understand my pain, I know my Lord and Savior does.
If you have something you are going through and would like prayer, please feel free to comment. In any case, I will be praying for all who see this today.
God’s blessings on you today!