When You Can’t Feel God

This was the title of my devotion this morning, and after I had read it, I realized I had something to say about the topic. There have been many times in the last two months when I haven’t felt God’s presence, and they usually have been when I’ve been at my lowest and when I’ve been in the most pain. I wouldn’t wish the struggle my family has gone through on anyone.

But now that my family is on the other side of this struggle, I’ve realized a few things. The very first and most important of these things is that I’ve figured out what true faith is. It’s going through something when you don’t know what’s going to be at the other end. Having faith in God no matter what happens. This is a hard thing. Here is the definition of faith. “a belief that is not based on proof or a confidence and trust in a person, thing, deity, view, or in the doctrines or teachings of a religion.”  It’s easy to say you have faith in God, well, maybe not easy when you first come to faith. But, once you have faith, it’s easier to say you have it when you feel God’s presence. I believe having faith is the hardest though when you can’t feel His presence. When you’re at the bottom of the pit or in the middle of the desert. It’s important to have Christian brothers and sisters when you’re at those places. They are the people God uses to carry you so you will know He is there. I’m so lucky to have people like that in my life.

Another thing I’ve realized is that God already knows what’s going to happen at the end of the struggle. He’s already there forming and shaping me into the person He wants me to be. There have been things I’ve been uncomfortable doing and people I’ve been uncomfortable in talking with in regards to my faith. I’m starting to believe God has had me go through this struggle so I won’t be inflexible and resistant to change. I want people to see Jesus in me and then to ask what is different. It’s not me that’s going to change the little corner of the world I’m in.  It’s Jesus in me that’s going to change my little corner, and that’s the most sincere desire of my heart.

I leave you with this. There is a song Casting Crowns sings that’s called Already There. It reflects what has happened in my life over the last few weeks. Here are the lyrics.

 

“From where I’m standing
Lord it’s so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You’re leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can’t controlOh, oh

When I’m lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You’re already there
You’re already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You’re already there
You’re already there

Oh, oh, oh, oh

From where You’re standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan
When I’m lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You’re already there
You’re already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You’re already there
You’re already there

One day I’ll stand before You
And look back on the life I’ve lived
I can’t wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit

One day I’ll stand before You
And look back on the life I’ve lived
Cause You’re already there
You’re already there
When I’m lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You’re already there
You’re already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You’re already there
You’re already there

You are already there”

God’s blessings on you all today!

 

Pain and Heartache

It’s been over a month since I’ve written in this blog.  Not making any excuses. Just stating a fact. My last post spoke of jumping into the unknown, and my life has turned into the unknown. I am living life day by day, not really being able to plan for the future because of some situations going on with my family.

I had a time deciding what to entitle this post, and I still might change it before I am done. These last six weeks have been a time of pain and heartache, of asking questions, of not understanding, and then when I’ve gotten to a point that I might be able to understand, it’s been ripped out from underneath me. We’re at a place where we need to totally trust in God’s provision because there is nothing else in this world for us to hang onto. I’ve been writing about my thoughts and fears this whole time in my journal, but I couldn’t see where they belonged in a blog about thriving in grace so I didn’t publish them.

I realize now that I made a mistake. Pain is a part of thriving. People don’t like to show pain for many different reasons. I’m thinking paramount among them would be, “If I show my pain, does it mean that I don’t feel God’s love? ”  Or “Why would God cause such pain and anguish to someone who loves Him so much?” I don’t know the answers to those questions.  I’m doing some reading to try to figure them out, but I don’t know if that will help either.  I keep hearing a voice which tells me that my pain will help someone else. I hope so. I truly hope so. Because that is what is keeping me going right now.

In the midst of all this uncertainty and dependence on God’s provision, an anniversary has come around today. Today is the third anniversary of losing my third child. Talk about ripping a band-aid off of scars I thought had healed. The pain of this loss, along with everything else, has ripped my heart apart. I don’t understand. I don’t understand why my husband and I lost our baby, and other babies lived.  I don’t understand why we are having to go through this other pain. I know I have God though even when I feel completely alone and isolated from people in the world.  You see, I understand that people feel awkward around my pain especially if it’s a pain they’re not familiar with or a pain they try to blame others for so  they can think they’ll never experience it.  If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been specific about the pain my family is going through only that we’re having to totally trust God for His provision. It might be understandable through the phrase ‘trusting God for His provision’, but I won’t go any further than that because people will make judgments to make themselves feel better.

Judging others. As human beings, we all do it, even those of us who have Christ. Even though Christ tells us not to.  Why? Probably because we still live in a fallen world. I’m tired though. Tired of not thinking I can show my pain so people will think I’m strong, because, you see, I’m not strong. Not all of the time. And when I’m not strong, my Lord and Savior holds me up. So, today, I will mourn the child I lost three years ago and think of what might have been. I will give myself permission to hurt and not understand the other pain I’m going through. Because, even though people might not understand my pain, I know my Lord and Savior does.

If you have something you are going through and would like prayer, please feel free to comment.  In any case, I will be praying for all who see this today.

God’s blessings on you today!